Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Bully Menace Part I: Understanding the Problem

The classic schoolyard “bully” is often depicted as a Goliath: large and intimidating, sometimes waging war on Israelites, but revealed for the milquetoast he is when confronted with physical retribution.

This image is not only antiquated, but dangerous. As technology and medical science have evolved, bullies have evolved as well. It is now speculated that a single bully has enough power to not only force a twelve-year-old boy through a garden hose, but can also convincingly call into question the sexual orientation of any person, place or thing, based solely on the fact that they once wore a Hello Kitty shirt to school because my mom was sick the day before and didn’t finish the laundry. Experts agree that by the end of the next century, everyone and everything will be homosexual, whether it is or not. But how did we let things get this far, and what of the future now that it may be impossible for ironing boards to mate with one another?

Bullies now transcend the playground, affecting every aspect of our day to day lives. In the early part of the century physicists were forced to abandon their pursuit of a universally-accepted Grand Unification Theory when they were overtaken by an army of bullies who repeatedly punched them in the arms and told them to “stop being such faggots and play some tackle football outside. What the hell’s your problem?” Since then, physicists have spent their time drawing highly-detailed hybrid creatures and pining for the day when they might have an unhinged jaw and mighty talons like the CobraHawk, then those jerks would be sorry.

The other night while eating a gay sandwich I began to ponder just how a child in this day and age can defend himself against such a seemingly unbeatable foe. As a child I would often remain quiet and keep to myself. By blending in to my surroundings I remained, for the most part, free of any physical retribution. This worked quite well, but now children must take a more literal approach and actually meld their DNA with that of a chameleon so their pigment can coincide with whatever wall they happen to be standing against. My theory is that bullies, unable to detect those weaker than themselves, will have no choice but to beat themselves to death. Violence is always triggered by ignorance or confusion, and once it is roused, it cannot be sated until it has found an outlet. This is why advanced calculus is the cause of every war and conflict ever fought in the history of mankind.

Unfortunately, this approach is not feasible in the present day, and several animal rights groups continue to thwart my efforts to perfect a chameleonic pigmentation system. They’ve staged protests, called me “brutal and unethical,” claimed I have no training or schooling, and that feeding crayons to a monkey is grossly unscientific. I remind these people that the main component of science, besides potassium, is experimentation. Copernicus didn’t find out that the Earth revolved around the sun by sitting on his hands, nor did he discover this cosmic truth by feeding pastels to an orangutan, but he could have. Science must remain untethered from the anchor of human emotion. This is not about simply watching mold grow in a dish or studying the movement of planets. This is about crayon-eating monkeys teaching us how to eventually trigger the self-inflicted genocide of several million young people. I think we can all get behind something like that.

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