Sunday, October 22, 2006

Faith and Religion Part II: Protecting Your Child from Reason

The Amish have taught us that faith thrives when it’s contained. Cultural isolation has served them well, but such luxuries cannot be afforded by most children who are more apt to burn a barn to the ground as opposed to building one. When outside the home, your child will have his religious faith challenged and derided by peers, hedonistic celebrities, and some of the more confused elements of the Amish community. It is important for your child to meet these challenges head on, and you can help them considerably by providing them with a small card on which is written several rebuttals to some of the more common critiques leveled at their religion. What follows is an example for Christians, which should be viewed as a template only. People of other religious persuasions will have to create their own.

Quick Reference Guide For Christian Apologists:

Homosexuality:
It's "Adam and Eve" not "Adam and Steve."

Outboard Motors:
It's "Noah and the Ark" not "Noah and the Mercury Verado 275 Motor Boat."

Square Chocolate:
It's "He died for our sins" not "He died for our Duncan Hines Chewy Fudge Brownies."

Making an attempt on a child’s life as opposed to making an honest wage through beekeeping:
Abraham tried to slay Isaac, he did not attempt to earn extra money by entering into a co-op with other men, harvesting honey from a colony of several hundred bees, and splitting the profits.

Advertisement for a state lottery during which a giant check is handed via trick photography from one person in one town to another person in another town and so on across the state:
Jesus healed the lepers. He did not hand them giant checks because the weight would have easily severed their arms.

As your child becomes mired in the secular educational system their religious faith will slowly give way to a more scientific mode of thinking. No matter how much influence you have over your children, you cannot force them to adopt a specific belief system. You can however, use subtle methods to trick your child into coming back to the fold and living a pious and spiritual life in accordance with their upbringing. It is not impolitic to use reverse psychology on a child who has discarded religion for a purely scientific mindset. You can do this by playing along with your child and actually worshiping science. Baptize your computer by throwing it into the bathtub. This will cause an electrical failure throughout the entire house. You then explain to your child that the family has sinned against science and must endure the darkness for two weeks. This will give you ample time to locate an electrician who looks like Jesus Christ and will cast away the darkness and jostle your child’s mind back to a more Christian worldview. This will also require you to convince your child that Jesus no longer sits on the right hand of God, but instead works as an independent contractor for the electric company.

If this approach seems too complex, you can demonstrate God’s sway over the universe by trying to control weather patterns with a calculator, or attempting to resurrect a deceased pet by reciting passages from the owner’s manual of a John Deere 2210 Compact Utility Tractor. In time you will convince your child that there are many things science can’t do. In the event your child asks why God didn’t resurrect the family dog, explain the dog would then be a slobbering zombie that would immediately leap from its grave and devour your child’s face.

Remember that religion begins in the home, and it is your responsibility to steer your child clear of the mindtrap of purely scientific thought. Although, one cannot deny Jesus’ carpentry skills would have been vastly improved with the help of certain scientific advances, such as the miter saw or the plunge router. Perhaps more people would worship him today if he had been able to build a truly striking roll-top desk with a long-lasting polyurethane finish. Christ’s unwillingness to use his infinite knowledge of time travel to accomplish this is but a small part of the great and wonderful mystery of God’s plan for us, at least the part that concerns woodworking.

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