Saturday, April 07, 2007

I answer your questions (4/7/07)

Today's first question comes from M.Z. in San Antonio:

My 3 year old son has suddenly become suspicious of his stuffed animals, referring to them as "those decepticons in toy box". He even went as far as stuffing a small toy lamb into a drink koozie and hiding it in his bookcase. He said he was imprisoned by the 'matrix'. My question is, how do I let him know that his toys are not out to get him and that he is not in fact Optimus Prime? Thanks.


Make sure your son is not reading this over your shoulder.

Okay, now do exactly what I say: grab your coat and your car keys, walk calmly to your car, and drive away as fast as you can, because your son is a robot, and the moment he finds out you know this, he will collapse your skull like a Dixie cup and use your unctuous organ juices to lube the gears in his malevolent robo-brain.

Your son does not think he's Optimus Prime, he is Optimus Prime.

I cannot be certain what he's using his "decepticons" for, but it is quite possible he's using them to send messages back to his home planet, and has decided to use Earthling terms like "decepticon," "matrix" and "Optimus Prime" so suspicion is not aroused should any of his communications be intercepted by our government.

Please incinerate your harddrive after you read this message, put the ashes in a metal box, seal the box in concrete, and drop it into the ocean. This is not a normal robot you're dealing with. Your son is an advanced automaton and he has the power to reconfigure the charred remains of your harddrive and retrieve not only all the information ever stored in it, but any thoughts you may have had while you were within a twenty mile radius of it.

Do not speak to, or look at, anyone, anywhere, for the rest of your life, for they may either be robots working with your "son," or human brain-slaves under his control.

Best of luck, and have a wonderful Easter.


Today's second question comes from Daniel in Detroit:

Dear Cursing Child-Rearing Advice Specialist,

I have been the proud owner of a 2007 model baby boy for several months now. So far it has run smoothly and gotten great gas mileage, but no one at the dealership (the employees insist I call it a "hospital") where I got my shiny new Andrew can tell me how often I should get it serviced. I have been noticing over the past few weeks that the baby sometimes makes alarm-like noises and has also been spewing out a lot of exhaust. I have likewise noticed some fluids leaking out. Where should I go to get the fuel injection system checked and where might I be able to find the dipstick?


It sounds to me like you received your baby from a less-than-reputable dealership. Any model made within the last five years should come with an iPod jack, and at the very least, a CD player.

While it is true that older models often encounter the fuel and exhaust problems you describe, that should not be an issue with your 2007 model. Babies today, through a combination of scientific engineering and natural evolution, are self-reliant, self-cleaning organisms that don't really even need parents. There are currently over 500 of these New Babies living on an island in the Indian Ocean. These advanced infants can communicate with one another, cook their own food, sign up for mobile phone plans and build spaceships.

Every year, hundreds of parents are sent to prison for "child abandonment," and we can blame our atavistic judicial system for wrongfully imprisoning these enlightened parents whose only "crime" is realizing they are not necessary in their baby's life.

In regards to your baby Andrew, my guess is that the dealership simply placed a 2007 body over him to hide what are insides most likely made in the late '70s, or possibly even the late '60s. I've even seen cases where a supposedly "new" child was actually running on a rudimentary steam engine. Your best option is to take him to a different dealership and have him completely inspected. If I'm correct in my assumption, you should be able to trade your baby in and at least get a new one at a reduced rate.

To answer your question, "where might I be able to find the dipstick?" I assume you're referring to The Dipstick, the all-night gay bar just outside Lansing. I'm not sure what that has to do with your baby, but a simple Google search should provide you with the directions you need. In the future, please refrain from asking questions that can be answered with a basic Web search. I get a lot of important questions and don't have time to do your work for you.



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Anonymous Anonymous said...

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8:42 PM  

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